I’ve been busy with work. Unfortunately, I am also getting progressively sicker. Crohn’s disease coupled with rheumatoid arthritis sucks, particularly when it is supplemented by worsening anemia. I am white as a sheet and having one heck of a time getting any sleep. Work hasn’t been calling, but that’s okay since I’m trying to get human again. I just wish my mother would stop freaking out about me every couple of hours. She insists on constant updates, which stresses me out, which doesn’t help. Harping about what’s wrong doesn’t make me feel any better or let me focus on just trying to live my life and get shit done. It instead brings on a pity party which I am trying to keep from developing into one of epic scale – I am like two steps away from metaphorically mixing punch, baking a cake, decorating with confetti and streamers, and settling in for a pity party like no other.

No thanks.
- M.

After tomorrow, that answer will be a lie. Hooray for work!

-M.

ps: sorry for the vanishing act – life does that to me sometimes. i just tuck myself into a nice little shell for a few days when things get rough. i’m happy to report that things are looking up, though, and it would appear that this broken lil’ heart of mine is healing well. when i stepped out of the shower this morning and looked out my window at the cloud-dappled sky, i felt… whole. it’s nice to feel that again.

I wish I had something more intelligent to say, but sadly, I am far too horny to be articulate. This is why I should not be allowed to watch films featuring attractive Indian men…

- M.

I didn’t feel better until later. I had gone downstairs to get myself a bottle of mineral water, in an attempt to cheer myself up. As I wandered through my dark living room, I was inspired. So I returned to my room and wrote a song about my situation. The words flew out of me; at times almost faster than I could type. As I went on with each verse/chorus/whatever, the messiness and rage seemed to pour out of me like a pitcher peacefully emptying its contents. After that, I felt a bit better – after being an unmotivated schlub all day, I cleaned and got random stuff done.

Today was good too – spent it a lot more productively, aside from watching Jumper (ugh. Hayden Christensen is half-man, half-tree). I got an idea for a song, but I’d have to be in a different mood to keep working on it. I was trying to stay happy and positive today. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow, though… I think I’d rather just stay content for now. I think I deserve a little time in a bubble of ignorance, unless my circumstances change.

Hoping for the best,

-M.

Listening to: “White Winter Hymnal”, by Fleet Foxes. Yes, again. I know. I really really like this song. I can’t wait to get my greedy little paws on this album!

PS: to-do list for tomorrow:

• catch up on photography
• continue sewing tote bag (started it today, and it’s tres cute so far)
• call my darling friend D
• cook something
• clean room a bit – would be nice to be able to walk across the floor, and all…

I love music and cannot imagine a day without it, so I’ve been to a fair number of concerts in my life – probably more than I can count.

• I’ve seen Acadian folk music more than once from more than one band (Blou is one of the better-known ones),
• two concerts by the amazing Canadian hip-hop artist K-Os (I took my younger brother to the second one, and K-Os almost handed him a beer when he came back onstage for an encore with a few beers in his hands and was giving them out to the audience),
• more recitals for friends and family than you can shake a stick at (piano and choirs, mostly),
• a Beatles tribute band called Beatlemania (again, more than once) and an Aussie Pink Floyd tribute band that my uncle and I walked through a snowstorm to see,
• a free outdoor concert featuring one of my favorite local groups, the Trews (my friend found a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk on the walk home),
• a weekend-long festival of Canadian music called Fish Aid at which one of my best friends discovered an allergy to marijuana smoke,
• a free electronica concert by Dr. Draw in a gazebo on a city street,
• a ton of variety shows, including one in a church with a choir in Prince Edward Island,
• a HUGE Feist concert,
• a great local hip-hop concert that I took my roommate to as her Christmas present (I had one beer, but usually I don’t drink at concerts),
• and most recently a local concert where my friend and I watched almost all the opening acts (power-pop, girl-punk, and synthetic, respectively), and didn’t stay for the main event – a rapper. We were too tired to stay up any later.

But my favorite concert by far took place in a beautiful church in Nova Scotia. Two classically trained musicians, a flutist and a marimbist, performed mostly solo pieces with some collaborations. I had never heard a marimbist play alone before, and with the acoustics in that church it was utterly, utterly phenomenal. I am not a religious person, but hearing the marimba’s notes echo up into the church cloisters was akin to the voices of the angels. It was easily one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. Music nourishes the soul.

Question stolen from the Pioneer Woman: http://thepioneerwoman.com/.

- M.

Listening to: “Racing Hearts” by Dr. Draw. The electric violin in this is haunting and lush.

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring/summer. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to.

1. “White Winter Hymnal” by Fleet Foxes. I mentioned this song in yesterday’s post, and I have pretty much put it on repeat since then. I am also buying the album online.

2. “Any Day Now” by The Miniatures. Also previously mentioned, also prone to repeats. Album 2 needs guitars like this.

3. “Shame on You” by Hot Hot Heat. Oddly enough, I used to hate this band. I once said of their song “Middle of Nowhere”: that’s where their career is headed! However, I have since warmed to their catchy, catchy pop. This song has great lyrics and fantastic instrumentation. I want a song of my own that ends like this one does.

4. “Fairytale” by Sarah Bareilles. I first heard Ms. Bareilles sing during a commercial, and the piano hook of “Love Song” stayed with me. I have since procured the entire album, and I love it to absolute pieces. It was hard to pick a favorite… The lyrics of this song are by far my favorite (though “Gravity” reminds me of me), and the piano hook digs itself right in.

5. “Zing! Went the Strings of my Heart”, as sung by Rufus Wainwright. I was so happy to find an mp3 of this, since I was reduced to playing the footage from the concert where he sang this on youtube on repeat. I’m not sure what caused Rufus Wainwright to decide to do covers of all these Judy Garland songs, but am I ever glad he did.

6. “Somebody I Used to Know” by Elliott Smith. I was introduced to Elliott by the same friend who told me of Fleet Foxes. Obviously I have awesome taste in friends. Considering I ended up with Elliott Smith’s entire discography and have listened to it a LOT, am notoriously fickle with my music, and should by all counts be totally bored of Elliott Smith by now, I love this song to bits.

7. “Street Life” by Randy Crawford, from the Jackie Brown soundtrack. So fun to sing along with and so very addictive.

What are YOUR seven songs?

-M.

In the meantime, though, I had a fairly productive day. After the office, my mum and I looked around a greenhouse while enjoying the beautiful sunny weather. I barbecued a wonderful lunch, did some computery things, talked on the phone with my uncle, mailed off some stuff, went shopping with mum and my little bro, and made supper.

I had also picked up a new pair of glasses that afternoon, and after supper I got a haircut and dye job from the very best hairstylist in the world. The dark bob with blunt bangs makes me look like either Bettie Page or a 1920s flapper, or a bit of both. I approve.

Then I drove out to the bunkhouse, where some of my coworkers are living, to pay them a visit. I had never actually driven alone before, and it was an awesome experience. I felt so exhilarated and independent.

I am so ecstatic to be experiencing these physical and mental shifts. I was telling my hairstylist about all the boy drama, and she sounded so disappointed in me and how I’d dealt with it. I really want to change and somehow redeem and enrich myself.

I think this new album will be great if I keep going with this positive train of thought. I just need to do one last round of edits on album one, I think, and then let those feelings go. I am hoping to have a dramatic bonfire in which I burn all the paper copies of the lyrics for album 1.

It’s time to get positive.

-M.

ps; excuse the treacliness. sometimes it’s needed.

Listening to: “White Winter Hymnal” by Fleet Foxes. This band is AMAZING – a friend of mine told me about them earlier today. It’s like 60s-influenced harmonic baroque folk-pop, only more awesome than the name would imply. You must visit their myspace: http://www.myspace.com/fleetfoxes. DO IT. I am buying their album online posthaste.

When I cook, I pretty much need music; the only exception is when I have company to talk to. Since everyone else was distracted by the comedic stylings of Katherine Heigl, I enjoyed Dido’s company instead. I was fond of “No Angel” a few years back, and it was nice to hear it again. It was also really cool to have some of the lyrics actually apply to experiences of mine – I didn’t date in high school, so I was spared the romantic strife that Dido went through.

Anyway, with the dishwasher running and the oven preheating, it was getting pretty warm in the small pantry, so I went outside to get some fresh air and let the butter hit room temperature.

Without meaning to, I ventured outside barefoot. I wandered out onto the damp grass while staring in awe at the sunset. Suddenly, a thought popped into my head. I let it sit there for a moment and marinate, then let it continue on its course. Here is what I thought, paraphrased so it’s more coherent:

Life is like a ride down a dirt road with a flatbed truck, and on the back you have all these boxes made up of hobbies, grudges, passions, personality traits, nightmares, values, interests, and memories, among other things. In my case, there are a LOT of boxes back there; I’m a bit of a packrat. I love too many things to keep a nice orderly truck. And sometimes, as you’re travelling down the dirt road of your life, something falls out of one of the boxes. It’s still on the road of your life and you can still go back and pick it up if you want, provided it hasn’t wandered off, but sometimes you’ll act as if it’s gone for good. Something fell of my truck a few months ago, and I didn’t go right back to pick it up. I acted as if a number of boxes weren’t on my truck.

And walking around the lawn of many happy afternoons in my childhood, I remembered how much I love staring at sunsets, how great it feels to walk on soft wet grass, and how much a big, freshly picked chive tastes like spring onion. My childhood memory box must have been buried under a bunch of other, more “important” boxes. Why am I rejecting and ignoring all these parts of myself? Not just the memories, but my values?

As I stretched my arms, my dress pulled tight at my chest. I stared down at myself, reminding my brain that I’m grown up now. Things aren’t as black and white as they were in my youth. But does that mean I should ignore the wisdom of my inner child, the things that make me happy right to my very core? Of course not. It looks like the back of my truck needs some better labelling and organising. Also, I have a long drive ahead of me – I have to go back and pick up a little package labelled “Self-respect”.

That’s all for now, folks,

M.

Listening to: “Any Day Now” by The Miniatures. This is one of those songs that makes you want to dance, and the guitar is just the right mix of crunchy and melodic. They are from Kingston, Ontario, Canada, and their myspace page is here: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=11248170.

I’m M. I’m a wee twentysomething university student (Arts major), currently on my summer break. I’ve been done classes since the beginning of May. I spent that month training in the city where I go to school for my summer job – my summer job which requires me to go out to sea on fishing boats at the drop of a hat. I also spent it falling into some heavy boy drama, which ended pretty messily.

Bored by my training classes and preoccupied with my real life, I spent a lot of time letting my feelings run free through lyrics, which occasionally came attached to melodies (as much as I admire musicians and how desperately I wish I could compose, I’m not very good at it …yet. I’ve been promised some guitar lessons from my younger brother G, which I will be taking him up on). Now I am back in my hometown living with my parents and the aforementioned G for the rest of the summer, and hopefully I’ll start getting work soon. Fishing has had a slow start this year.

Anyway, all this month-of-May drama has led to over an album’s worth of material. I already have an album title and have selected which songs are worthy of being turned into actual music. I still have some edits to do, singing to practise, and guitar to learn to play, though, so recording is a distant dream for now. I might be ready by late summer or fall. I also have some kernels of new songs for album two, my hometown album, kicking around.

Thanks to boredom and need for creative outlet, I’ve decided to document how this whole thing progresses…